my closet runneth over…

I was separated from BFO once before this (current and final separation that is almost a divorce)… about two years ago. And at the time I put a lot of effort into my physical health by eating clean and getting a lot of physical activity. At my lightest I had lost 60lbs and was looking and feeling good. So good, in fact, that I gave all of my old (and now too big) clothes away. I gave a lot away on Freecycle (get info about how to sign up for your local group on Freecycle.org) and even more to a friend at work.

It was hard, at this weight and size again… to accept the clothes back from the same friend who went out and got herself some very successful weight loss surgery. But, it was only hard for a moment because when I got home with the 6 jumbo trash bags full of clothes I:

1. Found a few great pieces that I had loved and missed
2. Discovered that much of it was way too big
3. And got the satisfaction of stuffing my closet to the brim without spending a cent!

All in all… it was great. And the further I get into this journey the more likely I am to see it all as great.

For exampke, I met my new primary care doc at Kaiser on Tuesday and her comment to me about my weight was “You look great, but your weight is higher than we want it to be to avoid things like diabetes and heart disease.”

It was hard not to laugh. Yes. 100lbs or so… not really a “little” But the more I thought about it and remembered hearing a radio story about how doctors don’t talk to their patients about weight I realized that this woman was brilliant! She paid me a compliment, and it felt genuine (I did look quite well put together that day), and that perfectly masked the sting of any weight related commentary. When I was a teen (and still at a healthy weight) my mom mentioned to me that I was eventually going to have to watch my eating and activity habits or I’d end up overweight like many of the people in our family. She didn’t say I was fat, and I wasn’t… She was just trying to warn me. Still, I’m sure I cried for weeks and then revenge ate myself into this overweight version of me as soon as I moved out of the house.

It’s becoming so much easier to talk about it (being overweight) and own it (becoming overweight) as something that happened and doesn’t have any real power over me… and then watch it fade slowly away.

We’ll talk a little bit more about what is or is not happening in my closet another time. Soon, I hope.

Until then, a completely unrelated but oh so appropriate quote for where I am right now:

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” John Allen Paulos

I don’t know who this man is, but he sure did nail it didn’t he? I wonder if he’s written an instruction manual.

Now, I’m going to watch Project Runway All Stars while I work out. Because this is what I do people. This is the life.

5 thoughts on “my closet runneth over…

  1. CMairena

    I admire your honesty and transparency. I feel it and can totally relate. After reading your post I realized that my weight loss, gain, loss, gain, loss… You can see the pattern… Is similar to my fathers up and down with his illness. I found comfort in food… And that’s no joke. My father’s up and down in now over… I hope mine is too. Thank you.

    Reply
  2. bossypants

    What a brave comment! It takes a lot of strength to look at our self destructive behaviors and choose to love ourselves. I feel like I’m on my way but it is so new still… I look forward to taking this journey. One little thing I do now before I eat anything is to think about whether I’m longing for some connection or love. If I am, I try to find another way to get it so I don’t rely on the food to do it for me…. or when that doesn’t work, I try to get it from vegetables! xo

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *