your love is like (a roller coaster baby, baby)

…I wanna ride!

Actually. I don’t. I hate roller coasters. And yes, I know we aren’t supposed to say (or even feel) “hate,” but I’m grumpy so that’s what you’re going to get.

I should mention before I continue that I am experiencing a “major hormonal event” (which is how my naturopath describes menstruation) and while it’s never okay to ask a woman if her mood is related to her period it is certainly okay for me to blame my wacky behavior on it if I want to. So there. I have lost my keys and my glasses twice (each) since Monday and BOTH times with each (that’s 4 individual losses of important items…) they were in my purse. Seriously. I’m a little off my rocker lately.

I will also tell you that there is nothing more draining than listening to your child cry for 40 minutes about wanting to watch tv after a long day of feeling sorry for yourself… all of this sunshine and lollipops I just served up: that’s where I’m coming from right this moment.

I’ve been learning so much lately at such a rapid pace that it’s starting to hurt a bit. You know I’ve started being more physically active and oddly enough I haven’t experienced much muscle soreness… but my heart and soul are pretty achy from all the work they’ve been doing and I’m tired.

I can feel that I’m a roller coaster right now (and I don’t like roller coasters remember?) and I have no one to blame but myself. I suppose this shouldn’t come as a surprise, but I realized earlier that I had blamed BFO for a lot of my roller coaster experience and now that he’s gone and I’m off of his coaster I have done a fine job of getting on my own. Damn.

It was pretty validating when I learned from a mentor and friend in a training last week that there are two methods of building resilience:
1. physical activity
2. meaning making

I’ve been hiking and waking and turning my TV time into workout time AND when I come here to blog I am absolutely making meaning for myself (taking all the bits and pieces of my life experiences and translating them into something that makes sense to me). I should be the most resilient mother-f-er on the planet right now!

I guess I am still standing…

The other night I bought a pizza. I brought it home and stood in the kitchen staring at it for a moment before I realized that I didn’t want it. I mean, I wanted it… I bought it with the intention of eating it–all of it, but when faced with the task of actually putting it in my mouth… I couldn’t. I felt sick at the thought. Food has always been a quick and easy way to get high (get high=stop feeling whatever uncomfortable feeling I’m having)… Want connection? Eat. Feel lonely? Eat. Tired? Eat. Need some love? Eat. I wanted the pizza to love me, and I knew it wouldn’t… and I didn’t really want to love it either…

I went to Costco today after work for spinach, bananas, and vinegar and I wandered around the bakery section looking for something to take home and feel loved by…

And again I didn’t. And it’s not because of any profound display of grace or self worth… It’s just that nothing looked good! Since January 1 my relationship with food has changed so much that it doesn’t even work anymore! The thought of indulging in some of the old standbys makes me physically ill and indulging in the allowable substitutes (a potato chip is a vegetable after all) does nothing other than usually upset my stomach.

Anyway… with only 5 days left in the month dedicated to nurturing my body I find myself having taken a couple inches off my thighs, looking and feeling younger and more energetic, sleeping well, and living without the comfort of my most reliable vice… I am not feeling the love from the foodstuff anymore, and it’s pretty dang lonely.

I don’t like roller coasters because I don’t get a thrill from feeling scared. And now I’m on one of my own making and with each step toward being a healthier me I am stepping further outside of my comfort zone… and it’s really fucking scary out here. ┬ábut, I found this the other day, and it feels pretty true.

so, I guess this is where I’m going to stay.

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