I like change. I love change. When I was a kid I used to rearrange my bedroom furniture monthly, I had 12 jobs between 1994 and 2003, I have moved 16 times since 1998… and I’ve been happy for each of the changes, every time. Now, before you assume that I am from another planet or that you won’t be able to relate to tonight’s post let me clarify that, of course, I only really love change that I control (or temporarily believe that I control). …but I do usually find a way to feel like I’m choosing the change so it works out.
Side note: I don’t sit still well… I fidget and wiggle. I like to be in motion, and I mean that figuratively and literally. I think the two things are related.
I used to wonder if all the changing I did in jobs and homes was related to being unhappy (in my marriage? with myself?) and I can now say with confidence, yes. Yes, it was. Change, especially big life changes, can be a powerful distracting force… work well to numb the pain.
I’ve made a lot of changes recently. I changed my relationship status. I changed my diet. I changed my self care practices. I changed the pool of people I’m attracted to (to include, perhaps exclusively, people who don’t have penises and do have vaginas–for now, people without genitals need not apply… baby steps)–and I know “changed” is the wrong word here, but I’m using it so it will fit into this paragraph’s theme. I changed my outlook on life. I changed my job.
This explosion of changes is not an unfamiliar pattern. I subscribe to the “do it all at once” school of thought.
Still, something is different (i say that a lot lately don’t i?)… changing used to be a way to escape. I loved the escape fantasy… If things were rough I would daydream endlessly about just driving away and never coming back. (Ah, blissful… Imagine combining escaping with the invisibility cloak fantasy. Heavenly, right?) I was always running away from something. This time, I feel like I’m running toward something, or maybe even alongside something (because I feel like I caught up with it already).
All of the past changes were a means of escaping, but they never worked because I was trying to escape myself… What’s interesting is that when I really embraced myself, took the time to get to know her, accepted her, understood her, forgave her, loved her…I lost the desire to escape her. I actually quite adore her and I want her with me always.
When I started my new job last week I had a sense that a big change was coming… certainly my daily routine was going to be overhauled… almost everything about it would be different. But, I was also very clear that a lot wouldn’t be changing. My roles, my values, my priorities… the things that make me who I am and make the live I am living worth it… those stayed the same. My job changed, but my life didn’t. That. Was a first.
In a few weeks I’m going to change my hair (drastically) and in a few months I’m going to move again (to a new city). So, I’ll keep changing what’s outside until the outside and inside match, but I have no expectation that it will change who I am… and I am so glad–I like what’s on the inside.
p.s. speaking of change… I am seriously considering changing the theme of this month. In the art month last month I was having some pretty profound spiritual experiences and I am thinking it would be pretty silly to ignore my intuition because the “agenda” says otherwise. I’ll decide and let you know by Wednesday, but if that is the case I’ll be moving on to “ish” which is scheduled for next month and then will either pick up with the parenting stuff again right away or move on to what comes naturally for the month.
p.p.s. speaking of change (again)… I changed my mind (or rather, my approach) about the “letting go” I shared with you on Friday. I thought that in order to “let go” I needed to change my feelings for this person… turns out, the only way to change my feelings for her is to shut the feelings down and (since I’ve learned from Brene Brown that you can’t selectively numb feelings… it’s all or none) that doesn’t work for me. So, instead I am letting go of expectation. I’ll let you know how it goes (so far: emotional, but much better than trying not to have feelings…)