my internet connection has been spotty this evening. it’s been very frustrating. it started acting up while i was attempting to watch a TED video about how our use of technology for connection is resulting in a phenomena of loneliness. Pretty poetic right? It’s hard not to appreciate life for it’s humor much of the time… I often take pictures of everyday things that I think are hilarious. I’ll post them here someday and share them with you out of context where they are bound to be less funny.
I have so many things to write about tonight. I hope I can tie them all together into one cohesive post. This is going to be a long one. I’d say sorry… but hey, you get to choose whether you read it or not. Consider yourself warned.
I feel like it’s been ages since I posted and I think that is mostly because of the headspace I’m coming from tonight. It’s not a brand new headspace, but it is one that I had been drifting away from recently until 38 called me on it on Friday night.
side note: I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am to have people in my life who can (gently so I can hear them) call me on this stuff… without them I think I would just drift away into the mist never to be heard from again. The woman in the TED video tonight talked about the truth that we need our relationships with one another to teach us how to have relationships with ourselves. She nailed it didn’t she?
The new head space is a vulnerable one. I think you might be asking yourself… “wait, what? Isn’t she always vulnerable? She sure seems like it.” Yeah, I’m really good at that (seeming like I’m vulnerable), but sometimes I’m not really… I’d say that I’m “open” about 95% of the time. I am aware of my feelings and willing and able to express them in articulate ways. Even the uncomfortable ones. I know that’s fairly unique and I can see how that could be perceived as vulnerability… and I don’t mean to deceive anyone by pretending to be vulnerable when I’m not… and I’m definitely not ever pretending. In this most recent case I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t willing to be vulnerable until someone else pointed it out. I’m actually quite good at being vulnerable (I know that sounds weird). Once I get there I am willing to be there, but yeah, I’m not always willing to get there (not even with myself) and now I’ll tell you why.
So I told you that my week last week was full of big feelings but that was okay because I just felt them and they didn’t change my reality (the feelings didn’t devolve into self loathing or shame or beliefs about my life and my person that were untrue. from now on I will refer to that phenomena as “story”) and I was pretty proud of that.
When I woke up on Saturday morning I was heavy with emotion. I still wasn’t in any story, I was just in feelings but they weren’t just big… they were huge… and I wasn’t able to be who I wanted to be with them present (and who I wanted to be, by the way, was an involved mother because it was just me and spiderman this weekend).
At one moment on Saturday morning after he had already watched an hour of television of his alloted two of weekend screen time spiderman asked if he could play on the iPad and I said yes and set a timer for 10 minutes explaining (as he’s used to) that when the timer goes off it will be time to put the iPad away and do something else (like dye easter eggs). He was in the bedroom on the iPad and I was in the living room on the computer and my feelings were getting bigger and bigger and bigger and I was feeling heavier and heavier and heavier. I knew it had been close to 10 minutes and I figured I would eventually pick up the sound of the timer going off through the din of the household noise.
We had a great week together as mother and son. We had limited time together each day (maybe two waking hours in total) but we used it in the best ways I can think of (by eating together, talking, playing, and making art)… I didn’t want to lose that momentum.
Then two hours passed. And he was still using the iPad and I was still on the computer and the only thing I changed about that situation was to get off the computer. I went into the bedroom with him to start talking to him about changing to something else. Then I fell asleep. So, he sat there (I think it may have been 5 hours in total) playing with the iPad all morning while I got more and more engulfed in my big feelings and completely checked out from the situation. I mean, I’m always a mom… I fed him and wiped his ass when he pooped and even when sleeping I always had one ear open and I woke out of my light sleep when I heard him click on a youtube video that I didn’t want him watching and I redirected him back to the kidsafe stuff before I fell back to sleep again… but I don’t think that deserves any praise.
And then the tears came. Wombat called me when she heard that I had fallen asleep because she knew that meant I wasn’t doing well and as soon as I answered the tears flowed. I know I have mentioned crying several times on the blog in the last several months, but what I haven’t done is go into detail into what I mean each time.
I have several different levels of crying:
- watery eyed: I’m emotional (could be a good or bad emotion) and my eyes fill up with tears
- movie star crying: it’s when level one progresses to the point where the tears start to spill out of my eyes and roll one at a time in perfect lines down my cheeks. it’s quite pretty.
- cry talking: it’s where there are active tears falling and some sniffling, but I can still carry on a conversation (this is as far as it has gotten lately) and the tears dry up fairly quickly.
- sobbing: i can probably still talk some, but there’s a lot of catching breath and snot involved
- wailing: talking is out of the question. i am choking and gagging and there is snot pouring out of my nose. my nose has turned bright red and tripled in size. my top lip is so swollen that it now touches my nose. it takes hours to fully recovery from the physical changes to my face.
Would you look at that? I should do this more often.
|38 deserves all the credit for this idea, by the way.
if you try it (which I think you should), send her a little heart light when you do,
- My body, mind, and spirit feel like this emotional experience was equivalent to climbing Everest and I am aware of how much self care I need on a daily (hourly?) basis to be able do this work and be my, not only, best self… but my best vulnerable self.
- I learned that being a single parent is completely unnatural and expecting yourself to be able to perform at the same level you do for a two hour window in a twelve hour window is unreasonable (which explains why i gave up before i even tried) and in order to make these future weekends work I need to gather the hilary-clinton-village around me to help me raise this child.
- I learned that allowing other people to see me in weak moments doesn’t necessarily drive them away and can even bring them closer.
- I learned (was reminded that) I really don’t like going to bars/clubs.
- I learned that I have a lot of old habits that I need to remain aware of consciously work on reprogramming every damn day.
- I learned that “feeling the fear and doing it anyway” is still the way to go
- I learned that if this is ever the question: should i let go? the answer is always yes. (well, not if we’re talking about dangling from a cliff…)
- I learned… a lot.