I had the strangest day yesterday… I woke up a little sad and a little anxious–not “going off meds” anxious, more of the nervous about the day ahead (and how I’m going to feel about being at home all day with spiderman and no plans after indulging in champagne last night) anxious and I had some big feelings today. In particular I missed 38 a lot. I mean… a lot. Like it took a lot of emotional energy to stay just in missing and not letting missing turn into fearing and worst-case-scenario-ing. But, I stayed in the true feelings. When I was sad, I felt sad. When I was missing her, I just missed her. When I started to feel the fear and storytelling creep in I stopped it right dead in its tracks. Nope–you’re not welcome here.
Here’s a little description of what it’s like so you can all see how crazy I am and feel comforted in knowing you aren’t the only one who is this crazy:
1. Go on Facebook to see what 38 has been up to (because her profile is public so I can see it all still…)
2. Discover she did something fun that you would have enjoyed also and see that she had a great time
3. Have fleeting moment of jealousy and quickly transition into excitement that she’s experiencing joy.
4. Realize that you’re not able to share that joy with her
5. Feel sad about that
6. Sit in the sadness until…
7. the stories start to creep in (she’s growing away from you, when you reconnect there will be no more connection, she will have decided she’d rather live a life without you in it, etc. etc. etc.)
8. literally yell STOP (either inside head or outside if the environment permits)
9. go back to sitting in sadness instead
10. repeat steps 6 through 9 as many times as necessary.
And that night… after a long day of just sitting in feelings I couldn’t help but be impressed (not like I’m impressed with myself, although I am a little, but more like the day has made an impression on me-impressed) by something that keeps happening…
I’ve noticed today, more than ever before, how many of my thoughts begin with the words: I love.
I love the smell of Jasmine.
I love my son.
I love my new desk.
I love the way it feels to get organized.
I love discovering new resources and sources of inspiration.
I love the taste of champagne.
I love the way I look from this angle/in this dress/when my hair does that.
I love remembering the things I love about each season as the year changes… jasmine blooming in spring, fresh nectarines in summer…
I love… life?
am I there? has it happened?
I think so.