Month: May 2012

Remember how I said that I was posting the 100th post a week or so ago and then backtracked on that when I realized it was false and then said something about having time to prepare and coming up with something awesome?  Well, it’s a good thing I know myself well enough to know that I needed a reminder because I didn’t think about it again until my calendar reminder ding!ed this afternoon.  Lucky for all of us I was sitting in a software demonstration that required very little brain power and I was able to brainstorm about this instead.

It went something like this:
How should I celebrate the 100th post on the blog… get drunk and blog from that place apologizing for the drunkedness?  don’t prepare anything special and admit to being unprepared and see what happens?  hmmmm… make a list of 100 somethings.  what 100 somethings?  100 things I love about me?  100 things I am grateful for?

and then the skies parted and the radiance of the sun filled the room and reflected off my person when I got the IDEA!

Self love has started coming up around here a bit, right?  Maybe once or twice… I think I’ve seen it around.  So, how about a list of 100 acts of self love?  That seems like a good resource to have around!

And let’s take it a little further…

(interruption to explain process as per usual: many times on this journey I have been tempted to embark on different projects and challenges.  I’ll do the artist’s way.  I’ll start the 30 days to a better whatever… yadda yadda.  I love that kind of stuff–obviously–and I have to actively resist trying to do too much.  I am already completely involved in this FULLfillment project–that’s where I deserve to give my attention and energy… so when I first came up with this idea I was concerned about whether it would honor the FULLfillment Project and my intention to remain faithful to it.  And instead of wracking my brain for hours to come to a conclusion I just decided it would be fine.  So, I’m doing it.)

In honor of the 100th post on this blog, I’d like to invite you to participate in a challenge (let’s call it a) journey (shall we?) with me… here are the details:

Starting Tuesday, May 15th (which is my birthday by the way, feel free to let that motivate you) I, and any of the benevolent spirits who choose to participate, will practice 5 intentional acts of self love daily over the course of 20 days equalling 100 Acts of Self Love!


There are 3 simple steps to participating:

1. Take the next week to think about what you need to do to prepare for this (maybe you’ll want to make a list of ideas, or print out my list, or use the magic google machine for inspiration)
2. Beginning Tuesday, May 15th (again, my birthday.  ahem.  thank you.) intentionally practice ANY 5 acts of self love (I’m willing to bet that most of the things you’ll do are things you do ANYWAY and framing them in the context of self love is what’s going to make this different)
3. Report back about your self loving acts daily to the Self Love Tribe (that’s what I’m calling all y’all) via Facebook or Twitter:
1. Facebookers: Post to the “i will wear sweatpants in public (and look good doing it!)” wall about your self loving acts and/or post on your wall and tag “i will wear sweatpants in public (and look good doing it!)
2. Tweeters: tweet about your self loving acts and be sure to include the phrases @legalizeswtpnts and #100actsofselflove so we can all see what you’re up to

For everyone who completes the challenge (5 acts of intentional self love recorded daily on Facebook or Twitter)  you will:

1. feel really good
2. be only 1 day away from the point where you have effectively started a new habit (so go ahead and do it one more day too to make it stick!)
3. not have to buy me a birthday present (unless you’re my mom, then you still do)
4. receive a “Self Love Tribe” badge/token from me celebrating your achievements

I had the strangest day yesterday… I woke up a little sad and a little anxious–not “going off meds” anxious, more of the nervous about the day ahead (and how I’m going to feel about being at home all day with spiderman and no plans after indulging in champagne last night) anxious and I had some big feelings today.  In particular I missed 38 a lot.  I mean… a lot.  Like it took a lot of emotional energy to stay just in missing and not letting missing turn into fearing and worst-case-scenario-ing.  But, I stayed in the true feelings.  When I was sad, I felt sad.  When I was missing her, I just missed her.  When I started to feel the fear and storytelling creep in I stopped it right dead in its tracks.  Nope–you’re not welcome here.

Here’s a little description of what it’s like so you can all see how crazy I am and feel comforted in knowing you aren’t the only one who is this crazy:
1. Go on Facebook to see what 38 has been up to (because her profile is public so I can see it all still…)
2. Discover she did something fun that you would have enjoyed also and see that she had a great time
3. Have fleeting moment of jealousy and quickly transition into excitement that she’s experiencing joy.
4. Realize that you’re not able to share that joy with her
5. Feel sad about that
6. Sit in the sadness until…
7. the stories start to creep in (she’s growing away from you, when you reconnect there will be no more connection, she will have decided she’d rather live a life without you in it, etc. etc. etc.)
8.  literally yell STOP (either inside head or outside if the environment permits)
9. go back to sitting in sadness instead
10. repeat steps 6 through 9 as many times as necessary.

And that night… after a long day of just sitting in feelings I couldn’t help but be impressed (not like I’m impressed with myself, although I am a little, but more like the day has made an impression on me-impressed) by something that keeps happening…

I’ve noticed today, more than ever before, how many of my thoughts begin with the words: I love.

I love the smell of Jasmine.

I love my son.

I love my new desk.

I love the way it feels to get organized.

I love discovering new resources and sources of inspiration.

I love the taste of champagne.

I love the way I look from this angle/in this dress/when my hair does that.

I love remembering the things I love about each season as the year changes…  jasmine blooming in spring, fresh nectarines in summer…

I love… life?

am I there?  has it happened?

I think so.

Wow.

Cool.

What was I going to write about tonight?  I know it was about resistance, but what about resistance?  Bah… I should keep better notes.

I saw a psychic today.  It was awesome.  She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, but as she would explain it that’s because I’m as psychic as her and already know quite a lot.  I suppose that’s true.  The things she told me were very affirming and validating and are all things I believe about myself, my path, and my future.  Pretty-fucking-cool, I tell you.  Pretty-fucking-cool.

Then on the way home I ate the worst possible dinner ever (wienerschnitzel).  Ew.  We can talk about what that little act of self loathing is all about later.

For now let’s see if I can remember what I was going to say about resistance.

As you may recall resistance came up in therapy late last week as an indicator that I was on the cusp of something big… just on the other side of resistance is something so wonderful that it is terrifying (hence the resistance–a clever little creation of the ego meant to protect you).  Then it came up again on Sunday at the meditation group!

The teacher was speaking about an experience he was having in his life: he is splitting his time each week between Long Beach and Ojai California and he noticed that he was having a difficult time sticking with his intentions in Ojai (he just moved up there and is there for half the week).  His walks are getting shorter, he reads the whole paper instead of just the first few pages, he has a coffee and donut with said paper, he does only a few sun salutations and does a lot of “corpse pose” (which even if you don’t know yoga you can guess doesn’t require much physical effort) in his daily yoga practice, he makes it to noon or one in the afternoon before he has “sat” (meditated)…  This is quite different from the structured routine he had for himself in Long Beach and from the routine he imagined for himself in Ojai.

He goes on to ask all of us what we think is going on with him and after a series of “close” answers are proposed he reveals that he is experiencing resistance…  Now he doesn’t get into it deeply enough for me to explain to you exactly what about his situation is revealing that resistance because we just talk about resistance so I hope you’ll stay with me because here’s what comes next.

resistance isn’t a game… oh wait, yes it is.

the solution to any problem is awareness.  and as is also true of any issue, you can’t beat it… you have to figure out how to work with it.  so, he and I are experiencing resistance, we know that resistance is a diversion of our ego, we know that on the side of it is a far more illuminating experience than the one we are having now… so what do we do?

well, if the solution is awareness we can start there.  I want to become aware of the resistance–okay, I know it exists… but that doesn’t really seem to be awareness.  Knowing isn’t awareness, thinking isn’t awareness… thinking is the OPPOSITE of awareness.  Another opposite of awareness: pattern.  And we exist in patterns.  We are comfortable in patterns.  Our reptilian brains (the parts that focus on keeping us alive) thrive in pattern…

So is it reasonable to expect that if we can become interested in our pattern that interest will develop into awareness and the pattern will dissolve away? Is it possible that I am reeeeeaaaaallllly onto something with the “conscious choice log” that I am so “resistant” to using?  I’m going to guess yes.

So, I’m setting an intention here to be aware of my patterns–to write more shit down–to observe and notice my inclinations–to assess how they match up to my intentions… to simply become AWARE of the PATTERNS and see if that dissolves them and the resistance right along with it.

How does that sound?  Want to try it too?

I’m still going to write about meditation tonight because I feel like this thing I’ve been doing where I set an intention about what to write about (and then think about it) and then do it is working well for me.

To not lose out on the benefits of spontaneity I’m also going to talk a little bit about anxiety, because that’s where I am right now. You may recall that I casually mentioned weaning off my meds a few weeks ago. I have been taking Lexapro for generalized anxiety and panic for a couple of years. I have been taking some kind of SSRI (selective seratonin re-uptake inhibitor–you can google it or enjoy my layman’s definition: it keeps your brain from using up all of the seratonin at once keeping the levels more constant preventing anxiety and/or depression) on or off for depression or anxiety since I was 19 (12, almost 13 years if you’re wondering). I usually go on, stay on for nine months to a year and then go off until I feel a need to go on again another year or two later. This is the longest I’ve ever been on and I actually tried to go off about a year ago and it was immediately unpleasant so I stayed on until now.

I don’t have a super rational explanation about why I go on and off…  I just don’t want to be on meds.  I don’t like them.  I spend a lot of emotional energy thinking about what I put in my body (except on the days I blow it with cheese, and even then I spend a lot of emotional energy thinking about it, I just don’t think nice thoughts) and then everyday I take a little piece of poison and swallow it and let it go to work in my brain… it just doesn’t jive well with my world view.

Essential disclaimer: for the love of god, do NOT stop taking your antidepressants because of something I say about them.  If you decide, for and by yourself, to stop taking them–talk to your doctor first.  thanks.

Back to me…  I know that I have issues with seratonin… in general I don’t have enough hanging around in my brain.  Seratonin is a lovely little brain chemical that I like to think of as protecting us from the stresses of every day life, and when you don’t have enough available to protect you… it feels like being exposed to the (emotional) elements.

Taking a SSRI is one way to deal with that… exceptional self care through exercise, thoughtful food choices, and other work are other ways.  I have been working with my naturopath to increase the amount of seratonin available to my sweet sensitive brain through the use of thoughtful food choices and some supplements that help my body do its job and I’m at the place where I can start to wean (or I was a few weeks ago).  So when my last menstrual cycle ended I started to wean off… and I found myself at about half the dosage I was taking before when I saw that my next menstrual cycle was around the corner.  Knowing that I ALWAYS experience a significant lapse in available seratonin around that time I decided to stay where I am (at half dosage) and wean the rest of the way off through the next cycle (watch out June period–we’re coming at you med free!).

Now, why the hell I haven’t had a period for 32 days when I ALWAYS run a short 26-27 day cycle is a complete mystery.  I am, of course, convinced that I am pregnant… even though I haven’t had sex with anyone and I doubt I am the ideal candidate for immaculate conception.

I’ve been pleased to discover that my level of generalized anxiety has not risen even a smidge.  I have noticed at 1/2 dosage that I am aware of having more feelings/emotional reactions than I was before.  Things that didn’t bother me at all before sometimes set off little alarms or twinges of discomfort but in general they are not unmanageable… I notice them, watch them, they pass/fade/what have you, and off they go and on I go.  What I have noticed, however, is that things that would have bothered me in the recent past not only bother me but they send me reeling into activation (the feeling of being very anxious: for me it involves racing thoughts, fast and hard heartbeat, rumbly stomach, shaky/trembly joints, chattery teeth, spinny feeling in the head) and that can be somewhat alarming.  I work to discharge the activation (that usually involves giving it attention/awareness until it also changes and eventually fades away) and it passes and again my level of generalized anxiety remains insignificant, but something occurred to me today in an emotional moment when I felt the spinning start to happen…  this is where it starts.  I experience my emotions as activation/anxiety and when I don’t take the time to discharge it remains present and the activation periods just stat to blend together until I feel perpetually activated.

I learned something new!  and I have work to do!

One of the things I need to do is maintain a daily meditative practice.  It’s the most effective way to discharge ANY level of activation COMPLETELY.  So, I’ll be off to do that in a minute, but before then… I want to tell you about Sunday!

So I found a meditation group online by googling (google=magic, try it, you’ll like it) and walked it late (embarrassing!) found a seat in the back, closed my eyes and realized we were going to sit there in complete silence for 30 minutes (only 25 for me, thank goodness because I was late!  woot!).  That was kind of terrifying.  I haven’t done any silent meditation or “sits” in forever, I’ve been very reliant on guided meditation practice.  But, I did it anyway… and here’s how it went:

1. first, I was nervous about being late and felt embarrassed so that was present until it wasn’t
2. then, I found a lot of comfort in going back in time a week prior to the last time I was with 38 and remembering that in a safe space–that was nice
3. then, I found my mind starting to quiet (i think it had been about 15-20 minutes by now)
4. then, I started to feel like I was falling asleep
5. then, I got super excited about that!  I had been listening to a talk that week about that ideal space between consciousness and unconsciousness and how hard it is to remain balanced on the edge between the two and how most of us will just fall asleep when we reach that point… well, I sure as hell wasn’t going to pass on that opportunity!
6. then, I gave all my attention to remaining in that space and the most marvelous thing happened… my empty, quiet mind was instantly filled with light.  It was a golden, warm, loving light and it seemed to radiate into, through, and out of me… I was basically the light
7. then, of course, because I am super cocky and think I should be able to do anything I want without really having to work for it I tried to astral project (I decided a few days before that I wanted to learn to astral project so I could visit a certain someone on her birthday.  I know, I’m ridiculous… I’m okay with it.).  I think I managed to get out of my body and I may have even left the building when a loud truck roared by and knocked me straight back into consciousness.
8. then, the teacher spoke and told us we were going to go for another 15 minutes and it only took 10 minutes that time to get back to the edge and find the light again (woot!)

After the meditation was over the teacher/leader facilitated a discussion about the practice.  He shared a poem:

• Have you ever tried meditating?  Any interesting experiences as a result?
• Know of any other ways to fill the empty boat with moonlight and/or find the entrance door to the Sanctuary?