I’m really itchy right now. Literally and figuratively.
Literally: when I first moved to this new apartment I had run out of the ingredients in my former laundry concoction (vinegar, salt, and washing soda) so I grabbed a teeny tiny apartment size bottle of free & clear detergent, which was enough (after two weeks of washing) to set my skin aflame with tiny bumps and other evidence of irritation. gentle on skin, my ass (yes… my ass is itchy too!) i have since remedied the situation (by buying more vinegar) but I realize I still have some mystery clothing items residing in my drawers that are covering in itching powder (detergent residue really…) and getting dressed every day is a risk (that could be eliminated if acquiring quarters wasn’t something i avoided like the plague because of something i will reveal in a moment).
Figuratively: I’m still itching to “do.” First, because I haven’t “done” in about a week and my life force has been rejuvenated. Second, because I’m still the same person and it’s going to take a good long while to reprogram my lizard brain to operate differently. Third, because so much damn exciting stuff is happening all around me!
I made a spreadsheet on Saturday night called “Yes, Kate, you can do anything–just not everything (at once).” Yep, that’s me and that’s where I’m coming from.
I had an incredible conversation with a coach today. She’s a member of the community of seekers and healers that I
want to be a member of AM a member of and I originally wrote to her when I was willing to be daring enough to ask a few members of this community to take part in the #100ActsofSelfLove challenge way back when. She was enthusiastic at the time, but unavailable, and we talked about connecting in the future. Well, as the future is apt to do, it became the present and after many attempts to schedule (that were no successful because of me being resistant to reading my email–WTF? Who is this person?) we spoke today–and it was glorious!
I am going to share with you (knowing that she’s reading this… hi!) that when I was asked (months ago and weeks ago) what I hoped to get out of the conversation (best case: an opening to a collaborative relationship) and why I was nervous/what the worst outcome would be, I answered that the worst outcome would be if she only wanted to talk to me as a potential coaching client. She’s a businesswoman and that’s a service she offers and I didn’t want my attempt to vulnerability through visibility to met with a sales call that I was going to turn down.
And you know what… my worst fear came true, and it was still glorious, because my worst fear was ALSO the best case scenario! From the moment we started talking I realized that I wasn’t afraid of being sold anything (I can’t really be sold anything I don’t already want…), I wasn’t afraid that she would want to coach me, I was afraid of what happened instead. I was afraid of wanting to be coached. Because wanting to be coached means this is real. It’s not a hobby, it’s not a side gig, it’s not a someday thing… it’s now, it’s real, and everything is going to change. And everything just did change and *whine* I need a break (but not really… not. even. a. little. one.)
(by the way, this post is taking me WAY longer to write than anything ever has before. I keep going to Facebook and other distractions. ooh boy, I’m really on the cusp of something aren’t i? eesh.)
|nervous about being “seen” and doing it anyway.
and no, not actually naked, but have been a lot lately
so it’s not entirely inaccurate. it’s been a hot summer in l.a.,
and I ain’t just talking about the weather. 🙂
One of the main things I took away from our conversation this morning (and then a whole slew of additional on-theme things that happened throughout the course of the day) is that to get what I want, I have to be willing to be seen.
I’ve written about my fantasy invisibility cloak more than once here (once, more than once), and it’s such a strange thing to acknowledge about myself. Being the attention whore I am… once I get what I seek I often want to run for cover. I sometimes loathe my lack of invisibility powers so much that i’d rather wear itchy clothes than ask for my cash back in quarters at the market. What the heck is that all about?
What would happen if I let myself actually be seen? Clearly the world would come to an end and I would cease to exist.
What really happens when I let myself be seen? Feedback. Love. Growth. Acknowledgement. Adoration. All-Kinds-of-Really-Fucking-Amazing-Stuff-That-Life-Is-All-About.
Being seen isn’t always pleasant, sometimes it’s uncomfortable–and can even be painful (or at least “feel” painful), but it is definitely the source of the most fulfillment I experience in this life, and isn’t that what this project is all about? (note to the new folks: yes. the answer is yes.)
Can anyone guess what the first step to being seen is? I’m going to say this with a level of authority that will make it sound like absolute truth (I do that. often.), but please know that you get to have your own truth too (and I’d even love it if you’d tell me about it).
The first step to being willing to be seen: to see myself.
off to do that now.
Happy Monday, folks. 🙂