last night when i was walking to bed in the dark i suddenly stopped. i needed to reevaluate where i was… something was about to happen (we’re talking “bumping an elbow” grade something here, nothing too serious) and i could prevent it with caution. so, i took an inventory of where i was (right smack dab in the middle of the hallway) and of any obstacles (none) and proceeded. i immediately jammed the little toe of my right foot into a shelf–really hard–but it didn’t hurt and i thought… hmmm… well, that was interesting. i’ve stubbed a lot of toes in my life and it’s usually pretty damn painful; hopping-up-and-down-cursing-and-whining-painful… but not this time.
i proceeded with my bedtime routine, lied down, started to drift off, and was jolted out of sleepiness by a throbbing pain that consumed my whole foot. yee-ouch! i got up, turned on some lights, discovered that i had split the toe open (and had been bleeding all over the floor) and had essentially lost a toenail, washed and bandaged it, cleaned the floor and rugs, and went back to bed wishing for the gift of immediately-post-injury shock to kick back in so i could sleep.
and i don’t remember what happened after that because i fell asleep. not because it worked, just because i’m good at sleeping.
this whole “shock that protects you from pain thing” is something i’ve been pondering all day. i can’t really tell if i’m in shock or in pain (dear god, i hope this is pain because if this is shock i’m going to lose it when the pain comes) because i’m kind of numb… i am completely focused, but i just don’t give a shit. maybe this is “zen.” nah, i think they call it “depression.” i’ve never had this kind before. i usually have the “i want to die (but don’t want to kill myself)” kind of depression. who knows what this “i’m just going to go with the flow because there’s nothing else i can do about it–and i’m going to be kind of sulky” shit is.
you may recall that i’ve mentioned some intentions i had for the year 2012 and how they’ve ALL come to be my reality… i was so certain that they had become reality that after a lunch date with devon several weeks ago (that was plucked directly out of the written version of these intentions) i opened an envelope that contained them to verify that i had indeed received everything i’d desired. inside i discovered that i was right–i had asked for a new job, a new home in los angeles, and a sweetheart. done. done. and done.
what i hadn’t remembered, however, is that i wrote a lot about my relationship with spiderman in those desires. i wanted us to be in the flow; my priorities for his emotional and physical health and wellbeing driving my parenting style and choices and him feeling happy, safe, and therefore receptive to my loving guidance. easy-peasy.
at the time (re-reading the desires/intentions) it didn’t seem like that big of a deal… he was my kid, and i loved him, and he would be fine (and the nightmare of kindergarten hadn’t started yet)… so yeah. 2012–done. and it was only august (i’ve always been a bit of an overachiever. pffft!). woot!
um yeah. not done. so not done that the universe and whatever forces conspire to give me what i ask for in the form that is most aligned with my spiritual growth path are attempting to get my attention by shoving this shit in my face in the most horrific and painful ways i could imagine and i only just now (like, i’ve had inklings, but all the floating puzzle pieces clicked into place this morning) caught on to why…
OH! you mean i’m supposed to be paying attention to this person/relationship? OH! you mean that just because it was fun to do the “work” that got me the job, city, home, and sex life doesn’t mean it wasn’t “work” and i shouldn’t mistake it for having been “easy” because nothing is going to be handed to me? OH! you mean i can’t just will this discomfort away and expect the whole dynamic to change just because i want it to? OH! well, why didn’t you say so… geez.
|I’m going to try Jane, I’m going to try.|
so, i’m doing it. i’m focusing on spiderman and my role as his mother and our relationship to one another and finding ways to provide him with structure and guidance and limits and boundaries that are loving and respectful and… whatever else they are supposed to be (and you’re saying to yourself: isn’t that what parenting is? yeah. i guess so. i never had to think about it before though. 0-5 just came naturally. it worked.)
the remaining problem: i’m pretty cranky about it. i mean, i’m not complaining too much, and i don’t feel any active angst or resentment, but i have this sort of “i’m resigning to this nonsense because it seems like what i am supposed to be doing not because i want to so i’m not going to have a good time doing it” attitude–super attractive right? right.
also. it’s exhausting. there is no break. i had to be the one who is the keeper of the values and holds the cute one with the tremendous powers of persuasion and resistance to them… not fun.
side note: i told him we were going to a bbq yesterday and somehow he translated that to “sausage party” (not sausage fest, you pervs). today when we were driving home he suddenly remarked: “momma, they didn’t cook any sausages at the bbq yesterday. that was weird!”
damn, i love this kid. if only love were enough.
i cracked open a parenting book last night for the first time in a couple of years. i have stacks of them that i read voraciously from pre-conception to about… i don’t know… 3? those first 3-5 years are pretty important they say. somehow i must have interpreted that to mean that it was essentially done by 5. oops.
when i flipped “positive discipline” open i rediscovered that the author herself had written me a note… “To Kate for Spiderman, Enjoy the journey”
the book doesn’t say how, though… i guess therein lies the adventure.