The truth about this series is that the theme is the only thread… the stories all stand on their own. That has its benefits I suppose. If you’ve missed one through three you can go ahead and start reading here and go back if you desire. You’re not going to be missing any essential details, just some good stories.
Let’s recap. At first I didn’t know if I my voice on this blog had value, because how can I have value as a writer without having books to show for it? Then I didn’t know if the pleasure of my company was of enough value to balance out inconvenience for someone else. Finally, I almost skipped out on reaching a mountain top because I am not running a program that tells me the peak is within reach.
It’s a little exhausting to discover at this moment how much a lack of self worth is impacting my life. Thank goodness it no longer has me in a relationship that doesn’t support me or a weight that holds my body away from health. Thank goodness I know my own worth enough to establish boundaries that protect me, to give enough to myself that I know I have dreams and pursue them. I’m out of the valley, I’m packing up my stay in the midlands, and I’m heading toward the peak now. Thank goodness I know life’s a journey, not a destination or I’d have to change the qualifier from “a little exhausting” to VERY exhausting!
When I was in New York City last month I saw an astrologer (intuitive, psychic… call her what you will. if you need her number, call me). She is the same person who predicted to Beloved, shortly before she met me, that she was about to meet her “soul mate.” She laughed about it at the time because she hates terms like “soul mate” or “the one” or “spiritual.” I expect, if for no other reason than they are terribly overused…
Beloved came in with me to say hello and thank you and the astrologer (we’ll call her S) got chills (and was thrilled by them) confirming the truth of the prediction in living color in front of her. That was fun, but it got better.
My time with S involved a review of my Natal chart (a picture of the planets/stars at the time/place of my birth) and a tarot card reading. It was so wonderful to hear an explanation of so many experiences I have had in my life. I heard about how importance it was to have balance in my life because of the presence of polarity in my chart. I heard about the lack of fire in my chart (hello lack of enthusiasm!) and how to get things warm when they’ve cooled down. I heard that my soul deeply desires purposeful partnership and without it I am unlikely to reach any of my potential. I heard so much more. Maybe I’ll do a recap post at a later date…
Ultimately I heard that I am here to make meaning. I am seeking that in everything I do. I don’t just climb mountains, I have epiphanies. I don’t just get anxious about meeting long time friends face to face, I excavate issues of worth. I don’t just say “this is scary but I’m doing it anyway” I look for the why and then the how to make the scarier more manageable. And then I write about it all.
My purpose: meaning making (turns out to also be a key ingredient to resilience… it’s not just what brought me here, it’s keeping me alive). S mentioned Victor Frankl in our reading (it wasn’t lost on me that Donald Miller also mentioned Frankl at #WDS2013 where I returned to my roots as a writer, best be going out to find “Man’s Search for Meaning”) and a quote that I can’t find and she didn’t know verbatim about those who survived the concentration camps being the ones who were focused on the purpose of their moments. I hesitated at associating myself with the gravity of a comparison like that… but again I was lost in a moment of worthlessness.
Even after realizing that I didn’t need a book to be a writer, I had a GREAT time with my friend, I climbed a fucking mountain… all I knew was that I had a worth issue, I hadn’t found the answer yet. Knowing was half that battle, but only half. It wasn’t until letting all these stories take shape and sitting with the audio recording from my session with S that I found my worth.
Like most things it’s something I knew all along… I’ve been telling others the same is true of them for years!
My worth is in living my purpose (psst–so is yours). My purpose is finding the meaning and sharing it. Yours may be something else. Some will be big and others small (only in scale, not in value). When I do what I’m meant to be doing I have worth. It’s as simple as that.
So the next time it comes up… the next time I hear: am I worth it? If I can match “it” with meaning making then the answer will be yes.
Do you know your life’s purpose? Do you want help figuring it out? Turns out, I can help. Feel free to contact me and let’s draw it out.