Two unrelated things of note before I get into tonight’s lesson…
1. The epiphany-emotional-release-I’m-going-to-start-a-new-blog-project post happened to be my 200th post. Ever. That seems pretty important. One my 100th post I created the Self Love Challenge. I guess my subconscious is now programmed to invent blog projects on significant post number. Brains are fascinating.
2. I already forgot to use my hashtag last week… Let’s see if I remember this week.
The truth about tonight’s lessons is that it’s too early to call it “learned.” In fact, we should probably just toss it onto the pile of “shit I need to work on” that we’re calling lessons now in the forward thinking hope/expectation that they’re going to get worked on and come to some resolution.
Earlier today I was texting J (my girlfriend/partner/lover/youpickatitle) and she shared she was having a glass of wine on the porch while doing some work (she works for herself… she can do these things <—see, I even have to justify her behavior) and I was all a flutter.
“THAT’S ALLOWED?!” my internal dialogue screamed, and then my live person texted. It was timely because it was something I had considered several times over the last week. I could sit at the computer in the evening while doing my room parent duties, writing this blog, proofreading J’s work and enjoy a glass of wine… Except I didn’t. Something stopped me. Probably the same thing that made me download this the other day.
Reasons why I didn’t have the wine:
- I wouldn’t feel great tomorrow: when I drink (even a little), I sleep like a rock, and then the next day feel a little sore and wrecked
- I was already dehydrated: the water bottle I carry around all day has mold in the straw. I haven’t found the right tool to clean it and as a result my regular H20 intake is way down
- I would have to pour it: which involves standing up, reaching to the back of the refrigerator where it is, getting a glass, opening the bottle… all before pouring. There’s cleanup after too
Real reason why I didn’t have the wine:
- I thought I shouldn’t have the wine. There’s something wrong with having wine.
Why do I think that? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with other people having wine (even alone, regularly, on a weeknight). I just think there’s something wrong with me having wine. I can’t even tell you why. All I can tell you is that I have frequently started to type whine instead of wine in this post. That is probably important in a freudian way.
Without any clarity or resolution about the source of this issue I am going to face it head on. I’m having wine tonight. Good girl, you’re on break. Perfectionism, you’re about to get drowned out (because I’m a lightweight).