This blog started (at iwillwearsweatpantsinpublic.blogspot.com, and boy do I!) at a time of great transition that resulted in great transformation. And then I got tired. Because transformation is EXHAUSTING! And it’s a slippery slope. If you do (try to do?) too much, it’s easy to get caught up in a cycle of invisible self loathing that only the self-help addict can so vehemently deny. So, I took a break. And I did great for a good long while (falling in love helps).
And now, nearly 4 years later I’m ready to start again. No transition this time. Still in love (thank you very much), on the upswing from a horrifyingly difficult couple of years in the parenting journey, and finding that I have wandered-without noticing-too far from myself. I am immersed in my role as a mother (feeling damn good about it too)! JH tells me I am a wonderful partner (and sometimes I let myself feel good about that). But I’m doing less of what makes me – me… which I know will eventually mean that my capacity to be mother and partner will wither and crumble. And I’m not up for that (again).
So we start anew.
JH asked me this evening as she was headed to bed what I was going to do for my alone time.
Huh? I inquired oh so eloquently. We had spent the weekend talking, crying, writing, and more talking (and more crying) about our plans to take care of ourselves and I was newly committing to paying attention to myself. And she was (at my request) going to help me hold myself accountable. So, my “huh” was loaded with genuine confusion but also a fair bit of “oh dear, what do I have to do now…?”
“What are you doing to do as a creative/emotional outlet tonight?”
“Can’t getting through my to do list count?” <–this one’s me
“I sewed shorts earlier, that was creative!” <–I’m grasping here. I have a long list of things to do, it’s already nearly 10pm, and sleep is something I treasure.
“I don’t think you processed much emotion when you were making the shorts. Did you?”
…and then the rest of this happened in my head.
“Do I have to do something EVERY day?” (whine, whine)
Voice inside head responds: “Do you have feelings EVERY day?”
So, I blogged. That was it. Emotions processed.
Nice to be back. I’m sure we’re going to have a lot to talk about.