Today’s song was Man in the Mirror again, but then it became a mashup of that and Hold On by Wilson Phillips. I googled it, but apparently said mashup doesn’t exist (at least within the first page of Google search results–which means it doesn’t exist) so there’s no video today.
Instead, how about a picture of the cake and ice cream I didn’t eat at work?
I wasn’t clear what the “Hold On” was referring to when it came into the harmony of morning meditation. I’ve been doing quite well. I even told JH last night that it felt “easy.” I certainly wasn’t suffering, and ease is the opposite of suffering to me. I mean, I’m still not shitting adequately (I even drank epsom salts! ack!), but I’ll live. It will come.
Then the day got harder. Surprisingly it wasn’t related to the cake. The cake was a birthday song and celebratory indulgence for a coworker that I was going to opt out of until a teammate lovingly nudged me to consider the possibility of singing and not eating cake. JH has really been pushing this notion (read: scientifically proven theory) that behavior is contagious and I’ve taken that as a personal challenge to positively influence everyone. Upstairs we went. As we were leaving after the song, without cake, I said something in an attempt to stand up for my choices and make it possible for others who wanted to shift theirs to do so as well… And I ended up sounding super judgey. As this detox continues I’m noticing a falling away of masks/filters/barriers between me and the world. JH noted that I’ve been more magnetic which results in extra cuddling (score!). I noticed that I’m much more authentically in character when The Boy wants to play drill sergeant as part of the morning routine (I’m the drill sergeant in this case, and barking orders hasn’t been something I’ve reveled in much up until this point) and we both have fun (score!). And… I’ve been a bit more direct (less polished?) with people out in the world (jury’s still out on that one).
But the cake wasn’t the hard part. Later, in a meeting in a dark, hallway shaped room that should really be a closet and not a room at all I started to feel the desire for cookies. This is the first time in the 4.5 days that I’ve had a substantial craving. It was more than a fleeting thought and it was accompanied by hunger. Not true hunger, but that grumbly stomach that is paired with obsessive thoughts about something in particular. MUST. HAVE. COOKIE. I noticed this and was surprised. Why now?
It’s day 4! Shouldn’t we past this?
Well, yes, but we should be past the constipation too and we’re not so let’s stop shoulding on ourselves, eh?
Then I realized I wasn’t hungry and I didn’t want cookies. I was sad. And I don’t even know why. Maybe it was the depressing room. Maybe it was the weight of the world falling to rest on my now more receptive shoulders. Maybe it was residual emotion from a few triggering emails earlier in the day. Heck, maybe it even was the cake (I don’t think so. The nice thing about this new version of me is that not only is she slightly less refined, she is also far less likely to care if others have noticed).
So I sat with the sadness. And I watched it turn into hunger several more times. Then it was dinner and I scarfed down my meal without really tasting it and didn’t realize I had done so until I saw myself taking the last bite. And then I cleaned the kitchen (by which I mean, rearranging everything and deep cleaning the toaster oven so it looks brand new). While I am certain it’s healthier to “clean your feelings” rather than “eat your feelings,” I think the best thing is to actually “feel your feelings.” What I’d really like to do is shovel a spoonful of almond butter in my mouth, but I’m not supposed to eat after 6pm so I’ll go try feeling now and see what happens.
Holding on for one more day (and then another… and then another…).
What I ate today:
- Green juice: spinach, kale, green apple, double lemon (and no ginger because that stuff is BLECH)
- 2 over medium eggs on a small green salad (baby spinach, TJ’s cruciferous crunch, spiralized zucchini, green onion, avocado oil, apple cider vinegar, salt, & pepper)
- Scoop of egg salad (hb eggs, tiny bit of sugar free mayo, olive oil, seedy mustard, cumin, cayenne, garlic, chives, parsley, salt & pepper) on a green salad (same as above)
- 1/4 of a green apple and 1oz of goat brie
- leftover rockfish & zucchini on leftover quinoa, kale, brussels sprouts, & cauliflower with steamed broccoli