I have immense gratitude for everyone who is concerned with my irregularity. I’ve also decided to just stop talking about it. It’s possible that my condition is a metaphor for “holding on” when what I really need is to “let go.” Also, JH made a formal request that I stop talking about poop so much. So there we are.
Turns out the ease of the first 3-4 days was not a predictor of the rest of this journey.
Perhaps in the long run it will be, but for right now… I’m still not suffering, but I it’s definitely not easy. Most of the physical detox seems to be over. I’m not in pain, my skin looks amazing, and I can feel changes in my body and mind.
Enter: emotional detox… As my brilliant colleague put it “now the drug is out of your system, you don’t have physical pain to distract you, and all that’s left is the reason you were taking the drug in the first place.”
Song of the day in meditation was “Because I Got High” again combined with a little “Mama I’m sorry” which comes from Act 20 of This American Life Episode 241: 20 Acts in 60 Minutes (transcript at the link, but really… listen to it). The song is written and performed by young ladies who have been incarcerated and are emoting about how much they want to come home. Am I sorry to my own mama? Do I want to go home to the old way of doing (eating) things? Am I my own mama in this metaphor? Do I want to come home to myself? This one is confusing.
I consumed myself with work today and didn’t feel most of my feelings. I noticed I was hungry in between meals. I ate my afternoon snack in the morning which left me with nothing but tea in the afternoon. I researched how to make grain free crackers and then fantasized about making huge batches of them to consume with goat cheese, hummus, and guacamole. None of those things would be “off plan” but I think it’s a little beside the point. I can see very clearly that I eat for comfort. If I’m going to put effort into something it should probably be finding comfort elsewhere, not finding ways to make plant based foods more comforting. One step at a time.
Tonight we breaded (garbanzo bean flour, egg, almond meal) our fish and ate that with quinoa and kale for dinner. I made little pancakes out of the leftover breading ingredients. And it felt like pure comfort food indulgence. I can’t tell if I’m okay with that or not. It seems like it wouldn’t be the safe way to go every day.
I feel a burning in my chest, like someone lit a match behind my heart. My head and facial muscles are tight. This is what it feels like to not feel your feelings and then not cover up those feelings with food.
I was not expecting this. Unexpected things happen.
Like I think I may need to go #2. Wish me luck!
What I ate today:
- Green juice (kale, celery, green apple, lemon, ginger)
- 2 over medium eggs over steamed broccoli with a big dollop of chimichurri
- 1/2 a green apple and almond butter
- Green salad with leftover rockfish and zucchini
- Breaded (garbanzo bean flour, egg, almond meal) rockfish, red quinoa, sautéed kale