I long for the feeling of having “made it.”
Yes, it’s about the journey I understand. The destination is fleeting if it exists at all, but there’s something comforting about believing that I have arrived.
Despite having 5 more days in the 40 prescribed days of this detox, I had started to feel (without noticing) that I had made it. I wasn’t taking risks with food. The power of my old habits weren’t pushing limits to see what they could get away with. I just stopped taking care of my feelings.
I wrote a lot less. I engaged my body in intentional movement (usually yoga) even less than that. The illusion of process being the same as journey allowed me to believe that I had accomplished a singular task.
I cleansed my body of toxics
I cleared my mind of habits and patterns
I released deeply held emotions and experiences
I was done, right? I would keep eating like this and I would just be okay from here on out. I had a GREAT week this week. I noticed a shift in the way I do my work from transactional to transformational (which is the goal, so go me). I heard myself speak clearly and bravely with the voice of an advocate who was still fair and empathetic. Again, I wore jeans sans muffin top.
And then anxiety started creeping up on me. I thought to myself, I should probably do yoga… and then I didn’t. I decided if I pooped I would feel better (not that I have any control over that).
The poop came and the pressure in my chest was still present. I wasn’t plugged into my thoughts anymore. Questions were answered with a quick “I don’t know” before I considered what was going on and why. I threw a tantrum and was (tough) lovingly sent out of the bedroom to do some yoga. And on the mat, as the deliberate breath acted as a release of fear and tension, the information came.
This ain’t ever going to be over, girl.
Every day in every way, you will be releasing and receiving.
You haven’t received all of the gifts. You haven’t released all of the burdens. And even if you had, there is an abundance of new in each day, hour, minute, moment…
I long for the destination, but the destination isn’t meant to be indulged in for more than a moment. It’s absolutely true that I made it. I made it to this morning, and yesterday, and the day before. And those were beautiful destinations. Now is the next destination. I’m on my way.
What I’ve eaten today so far (I just woke up 90 minutes ago):
- Trader Joe’s Wasabi Roasted Seaweed snack