I’ve been hungry lately. And I’ve consumed my weight in nuts and avocado in and effort to quell the hunger.
I hear my doctor’s voice in my head “you need fats. eat more fats and you won’t be hungry. you won’t have cravings.” So I eat the fats, and then I cry when I realized that I forgot to include “Oreo Thins” in my last hurrah and I will never try them. Have you seen these things? Have you had them? Don’t they look like they just fit into your mouth perfectly (whole of course), and snap in half when you close your jaw around them, letting the chocolatey and creamy sweetness melt into your mouth… don’t they?
Apparently my food baggage will continue with me on this journey through life even if I don’t open the suitcase.
In addition to being hungry I’ve also been “fine.” This is not something I take lightly. I hear the word come out of my mouth every evening when JH asks me how my day is.
“fine,” I say. And then inside I cringe. Why am I just fine? Fine isn’t where I like to be. Nothing’s wrong, which is nice, but why doesn’t all that’s right inspire me to feel the joy and gratitude I was feeling just a few short weeks ago. Are the occasional indulgences I’ve made in french fries, cassava (it’s a root vegetable) flour tortillas, coffee, and chocolate chia pudding (I used homemade almond milk instead of coconut and honey instead of maple syrup) really changing my chemical makeup that much? Maybe.
But today I realized it was something more.
Today I realized that my hunger… the insatiable, even by nuts and avocado (which ALWAYS work for me), hunger has nothing to do with food and instead has to do with purpose.
I ended my One Spirit Medicine journey with a Vision Quest that showed me VERY CLEARLY how I was to be giving my gifts to the world. Through writing. A book about motherhood. Many books about the lessons nature can teach us. Books Books Books. That was all she wrote (pun intended). She (the Universe) didn’t say anything about going to work, eating my veggies, doing my morning meditation (I’ve been skimping on that too… oops), washing my hair, doing dishes… these things I WANT points for that aren’t actually worth that much. NOPE. She just told me to write. And the week after I did a teeny tiny bit. And then I stopped. And then things stopped being great, they weren’t good even (even when they were), they were just fine.
Tonight, even though I had already come to this realization that the hunger wasn’t food related, I made myself a “frosty.” Which means I put a frozen banana, some dark chocolate, and almond milk into the Vitamix, poured it into a jar, drizzled some coconut milk whipped cream on top, dropped a bit more dark chocolate in the mix, and stuck a spoon in it. And I ate it.
And then I broke out in hives on the back of my neck.
And then I had to rush to the bathroom.
Alrighty. I guess the message is clear. Sugar (even in the most natural of forms) will not longer be an acceptable substitute for living a purposeful life. My life, while meaningful in so many ways, will not be satisfying or truly purposeful until and unless I follow the path laid out for me by my own connection with the universe.
What I ate today:
- 1 scoop of Amazing Grass green powder and the juice of a Meyer lemon in 12 oz of water
- 3 over medium eggs, spinach, olive oil
- Roasted seaweed snack
- Green salad wth steamed broccoli and avocado
- Spinach, chicken sausage, avocado
- The aforementioned “frosty”