Welcome to the first Monday post of our new regular schedule! I wish I could say I’m to be happy to be here but in reality I wouldn’t have posted today if I hadn’t told you I would.
This is going to turn out to be a good thing though… hold tight.
Couple things about grumpy posting before I get on with the show. I’ve noticed than when I’m in a foul mood while I write a blog post it shows, and it’s often met with an outpouring of love from y’all which is appreciated but feels awkward because by the time I’ve written all my feelings out I’m doing much better and all I really want is to look or move forward.
Also, when I’m not in a great headspace I’m not as good with words. And that’s pretty important here because they are all I have to communicate with besides that horrid photo of my ass which I’m getting really sick of looking at… So, lately I keep the grumpy and confused version of myself away from the blog and share with you what I’ve learned once clarity has been achieved–all wrapped up in a nice neat little package.
While that tactic feels safe it hasn’t been particular productive.
Historically, I have had enough strength in enough areas of life that I have been able to appear quite productive without ever actually having to work that hard. This was all fine and dandy until I started to want things from life that weren’t easy and had to learn to really do the work. I’m much better at that now but I still find myself avoiding difficulty if I can help it. Part of committing to blog on a schedule is removing one of my opportunities to escape the work.
Damn, we are our own worst enemies aren’t we?
I thought a lot about what I would write today… I always think a lot (yes, don’t hurt myself… I’ve heard that one) but only when my thoughts start to sound like writing do I think about what to write. Today it went the other way. I had a jumble of messy thoughts, including some dark and nasty ones, and I would start to compose blog posts about these thoughts in my head until I realized I wasn’t where I wanted to be with these things and I’d start over with my newer perspective. All in all I think this served to accelerate my normal regulating process. I’m already a quick processor, and today I doubled my speed!
Here’s where I arrived eventually: I’m finding that there are two things I know to be true that are playing some evil tricks on me today. The first is the idea that the more I know the more I realize how little I know. The second is that I (and a lot of the world) fear what I don’t know. Shit. Can you see the problem in there? Essentially the last few days have been full of opportunities to learn how much there is to be afraid of. Of course I’m not going to stay in this place (of fear) long but it’s where I am today and I told you I would post so this is what we both get.
I know you’re dying to know what I’ve learned right? Well, for as freaked out as I feel there is too WAY too much for one blog and I’m sure we’ll get to it all eventually.
Here’s one story that is on topic with this month’s focus on revamping the physical space my soul lives in:
38 and I, for the short time we’ve known each other, are becoming close friends. I suppose I knew that would happen since her blog nickname made the opening credits in the sidebar there –> after only one lunch… Both of us acknowledge that there is ease in our conversations and sometimes we find ourselves talking about things that would be considered pretty awkward if taken out of the context of how we have typically conversed.
So when yesterday we were talking about my weight and my being overweight and how that came to be it was all copacetic. And then this morning when the words were rattling around in my head I was surprised to find that I had touched on something new and that something new (reminding me of how little I know) was scary.
There are a lot of factors contributing to my issues with food and subsequent physical condition but one of the most significant is that being overweight has served several purposes in much of my adult life. In a purely instinctual sense animals who are lost or abandoned are compelled to look or get bigger to increase the ability of their compatriots to find them–check. In a mostly metaphorical sense my weight was a form of protection or a barrier between me and what I needed protection from (like some of my less healthy relationships)–check. In a very practical sense my weight was a way to hide, particularly from attention from the leers of men, and stay focused on my goal (which as you recall was to create a “perfect family” husband, wife, kids, house, dog, etc)–(you guessed it) CHECK!
This may sound ridiculous but it wasn’t until this morning that I realized that this blog was an invitation to see me for what I’ve been hiding behind for years. I’ve left nothing to the imagination and released the power of anything I had going for me (like a height and body type that helped me get away with this situation for a long time without having to face too many of the fat-hating elements of our society) by laying it all out there in the form of scale readings and unflattering photos. I did all that quite consciously and then I was still surprised to realize that other people can see what I thought made me invisible. I have been hiding behind this extra weight for so long and now (for lack of a clearer explanation) am being seen for and by it. I have been using it as an excuse for so many things… And soon I’m not going to be able to anymore.
Terrifying I tell you.
Alright, I’m feeling much better now. How are all of you? Did this post make sense at all or should we switch to a “Music Mondays” format?
Until Wednesday. xoxo