I’m sitting here on 8:15 on a Saturday morning, eating mushy leftover Pad See Ew (which is my favorite Thai noodle dish, but can go horribly wrong so ordering it from someplace new is a risk… Vegan House’s on Sunset–not good. Order the wonton soup from there instead and keep looking for good Pad See Ew in Silverlake) and drinking a diet coke (yes, liquid poison) that I squirted my daily dose of B6 and magnesium into (as if that somehow makes it okay) and
waiting for … looking for …asking for inspiration.
And like usually happens when I ask, I received (if this doesn’t happen for you, let’s talk about it).
Today’s inspiration came through a few things I had saved to my reading list within the last couple weeks and finally clicked on today:
- “We become successful by admitting we are not perfect, rather than trying to be perfect and thinking that we’re not enough.”
- “Although I had let go of trying to be “perfect” I was still striving to be better... I realized that I had worn myself out living the hustle to become better.”
- “Instead of trying to be perfect with poise and grace, I am now trying to be imperfect with poise and grace.”
Of course Mastin is on the list… it’s funny, ever since I admitted he irritates me I find his work to speak to me even louder. I guess I just needed to release the “irritation” by saying it out loud (sorry for being a jerk, Mastin). And now Tracey Clark, who seems to be telling my story…
…and with just a few paragraphs from these two I have been reminded that I am enough.
I have actually been avoiding reading things like this for a while because, like Tracey, “I realized that I had worn myself out living the hustle to become better.” I have purchased/downloaded/saved enough reading material from potential sources of inspiration of these to last me years… but they are nothing if I don’t integrate the material into my reality. So after collecting sources of inspiration for months and feeling uninspired, I walked away from it for a little while.
Today I needed some inspiration, I came back here, and found it… and now what? Time to integrate!
Why was I seeking inspiration in the first place? I am moving in 5 days and I haven’t packed a single box and (maybe more importantly) I have no desire to. This feels… um… awkward.
What’s true: My sink is full of dirty dishes. There are piles of laundry in various forms (dirty on the floor, dirty in the hamper, clean in the washer but soon to be dirty again if they don’t make it to the dryer soon, clean in the dryer, clean in the basket but not folded, clean-folded-but on the couch still) in every room in the house. Spiderman’s temperature is climbing past the 100 degree mark as the pathogens that resided inside me earlier this week invade his little body and he’s hunkered down in front of the TV where I intend to leave him all day. I feel a bit clogged and foggy (literally) because my ears are full of congestion that hasn’t drained yet. I have work to do for my 2nd job and I am on a pretty strict deadline.
Things clearly aren’t perfect, and that’s okay! Really! Things haven’t been perfect in a day to day sort of way for weeks (months?) and I am so much more comfortable with being imperfect than I ever have been before that I barely even notice it. I love and accept myself fully, the dark and light bits–the firm and jiggly bits–the sweet and sour bits–the loving and nasty bits, nearly all of the time.
- Housekeeping (who are we kidding, I was always okay with doing this imperfectly)
- Leaving an old job
- Starting a new job
- Working as a contractor for an old employer
- Changing my hair
- Maintaining friendships
- Making new friends/connections
- Blogging about a FULLfillment project
- Getting myself ready for the day
- Maintaining an exercise routine
- Feeding myself
- Practicing radical self care
- Co-parenting with a former spouse
- Being a daughter
- Participating in challenges to introduce new habits
- Loving myself
- Loving other people
- Having feelings
What’s also true: I haven’t done any of things I had planned on doing for the move by now: I haven’t sorted through old clothes and toys to separate out what’s no longer used for donating; I haven’t gone through the piles and piles of documents to toss out what’s irrelevant; I haven’t made any lists, project plans, flowcharts, diagrams, or maps. In my previously perfect process of moving I only got through step 2 (step 1: measure new home, step 2: create scale floor plan, step 3: create scale furniture pieces and rearrange to perfection, step 4: pack immaculately organized/labeled boxes with FULL list of contents on the outside and specific destination, step 5: move) and then I just stopped.
And couldn’t quite figure out why. I mean, I knew I was sick and tired and would need to let some things go, but then I got better and when I had the time to get back on track with step 3 and beyond, I didn’t. I felt stuck. The truth is, when I came here for inspiration this morning, I was looking for something to inspire me to reach my previous perfection… and (thank goodness!) I found the opposite.
Now I can see that because I wasn’t going to be able to do it perfectly I didn’t want to/couldn’t figure out how to do it!
One of the curses of being a fast processor is that I sometimes integrate things into my life at such a rapid pace that I quickly forget that they are new and need tender, loving care to set roots and grow.
With this in mind I can see that I am going to embark on a few major things in the next several months that I haven’t done imperfectly before. I am going to:
- Pack, move, unpack a home
- Go to school
- Parent an elementary school kid (eek!)
- Have an emotionally/physically intimate relationship with another person (I don’t actually know this, just hopefully anticipating…)
And this is why I’m looking forward to them… What’s REALLY true: I am enough. I am so enough that my enoughness isn’t impacted by cupcakes, oversleeping, or skipping makeup and the hairbrush. I am so enough that my enoughness isn’t changed by dirty dishes, crying at preschool dance performances, or the absence of a plan. I am so enough that my enoughness isn’t even touched by a last minute, haphazardly thrown together move!
Phew, being imperfect is a lot of work!
Gotta run. Gotta go imperfectly pack a house.