As has been too often the result over the past several months… that (last “month”) didn’t go as planned. In the name of transparency… I have about a half dozen, half finished “love notes” written and a list of a few dozen names to do. I posted one to the blog… I took more than a week off from writing in total. I whined a lot. I felt lost and discontented and frustrated a lot.
I’m torn between recognizing that plans are bullshit and letting it go and attempting to be more committed. The truth is, the way this blog has been going has been working for me. I enjoy writing the posts… it contributes to my mental health and personal growth… in general, it’s a win. I do feel a bit off course from the intent of the FULLfillment project, but like I mentioned a while ago I think that’s because I managed to change my life into one I wanted to be living much faster than anticipated. There’s still progress to be made (when won’t there be? never, is the answer to that rhetorical question), in fact, the life I want to be living is revealing every day that I can have more if I am willing to take more steps out into the unknown, take more risks, and actually believe in my own worth on an even bigger level… but I’m not sure that I need to be so intently focused on an individual potential fulfillment as I did when this year started.
That being said… next “month” starts tomorrow and scares the shit out of me.
I added “get sexy” to the list because sexiness is something that eluded me for much of my life:
- I looked like I was 8 when I was 3–not sexy.
- I have always been at least a head taller than my peers–not sexy.
- My feet are so big that I could only wear buster brown shoes for the first several years of life–not sexy.
- I have thick, frizzy, sometimes curly/wavy hair and the products to manage it didn’t really exist until the late 90s–not sexy.
- My skin is prone to stretch marks and years of growth spurt, weight fluctuation, and eventually child rearing have made their mark–not sexy.
- Apparently I believe that there is something wrong with the way I look and that the way I look is the determinant of what is sexy–sooooo not sexy
- I was sleeping with a gender I find completely unappealing for 16 years before I figured out what was going wrong–totally not sexy.