I’ve had a system to keep me at my best lately. Every day I do a morning meditation of about 20 minutes. I take my Lexapro and my less poisonous supplements. I spend 10-20 minutes in front of the Happy Lamp. I get outside and take myself on walks a few times a week. I read books for enjoyment. And in doing so it seems I am able to manage most of what life throws at me with grace. I don’t usually lose my cool. I don’t even silently obsess anymore. I notice something is bothering me. I recognize it as a trigger. And I let it go.
Or I should say… I DID.
Apparently, sugar was the secret ingredient that held that whole system together. Because without it and it’s magical numbing properties I find myself thrust back into the feeling experiences I had before I mastered my own self care. Today I got completely hijacked by an email from my ex husband. I did exactly what serves no one–I let it bother me. And it lasted for most of the day. The day before I read a work email that had a similar effect (and that person didn’t even have ill intent). When asked about hesitation I was feeling in a meeting today my answers all started with the phrase “I worry…”
Who the F*CK is this person? Oh SH*T, this is me. Well, this is my brain off drugs.
When I start to feel overwhelmed by the weight of my emotions I hear myself saying “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore.” This could be a variety of things: parenting, working, being awake, having a living wasband (aka was my husband=wasband), talking to people, wearing clothing… This is not new. This is what despair has felt like my entire life. But this time I’m committed to stepping into that feeling to get through it to the other side. So now I hear this in response:
Master Shifu is right.
I glanced down at my shoe this evening and saw the sole was splitting off. I said aloud “my sole is coming off.” And it felt true.
I’m shaken up. I knew this was coming, but it hit harder and faster than I expected. I made a mental note several days ago to do something to take care of myself and process the feelings that are rocketing through my cells… and I didn’t. So today I had a day full of obsessive thoughts, the absence of compassion in my heart, and a clenched jaw. Sadness living in my mind, heart, and body. Sadness that is really fear of not being good enough.
Tonight I eat my eggs and greens. I don’t shovel a spoonful of avocado butter on my way to wash the dishes (because sanctioned ingredient or not, I would be doing it for comfort not for nourishment), I let JH hold me and actually feel her love, and I do my yoga and sob. Because I don’t know what else to do.
Space created for feelings: check
What I ate today:
- Green drink: spinach, kale, chard, cucumber, ginger, lemon
- Eggs & sautéed zucchini with turmeric and chimichurri
- Green salad with quinoa and leftover broccoli bean burger patty. Homemade ranch dressing (goat yogurt and buttermilk made from Almond milk and apple cider vinegar)
- Almond butter and celery sticks (my new favorite food. brings me joy. like it did in preschool minus the raisins)
- Sautéed power greens and olive oil fried eggs, half and avocado